Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
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I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
my astrological sign is a french fry
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes