After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
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Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
Was it something I said?
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?