I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
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5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
🤣✨#caturday
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely