angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
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I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
Anyone want a chair?
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.