Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
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me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
Get off my horse you stupid moon
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!