alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
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Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
huge valentines day plans this year!!
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
What flavor cupcake are these
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
Uh oh…
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
Merry Christmas
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that