Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
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The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
Sell your car
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM