“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
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Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
A few days ago, the girls down the street knocked on our door and asked “is Nerys in?”, so I called her and she came out to see them. For the first time in my life I felt like a real dad.
Nerys is a dachshund.
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
translated into Canadian
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
*checks Timeline*…
where’s Godzilla when we need him
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad