Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
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I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.