Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
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What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
We all have our pet causes.
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.