me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
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Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
Is this a threat?
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.