My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
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Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
called in thicc to work this morning
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
Breakfast for Stoners:
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.