Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
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The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
How all things should be taught/explained.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
What the hell happened in there??
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake