My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
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You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
Twitter fine art
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.