Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
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2 years later
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”