*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
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Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
Awwwww shit.
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
Need this in my life lol
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.