Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
You Might Also Like
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
What?!?
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
My new favorite headline
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic