Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
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I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
Dance like you’re not the father
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
Hot Panini is in big trouble
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
Oh boy, $150,000!
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.