I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
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[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
This January has 47 Mondays
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.