Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
You Might Also Like
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
Cartman: Respect my
a a
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭