Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
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Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
why isn’t thunder called soundning
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
Goat cheese is for herders.