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ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.