Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
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Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.