“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
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Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
The future is now.
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.