You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
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9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…