Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
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“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
This is my favorite one of these!
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.