*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
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[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
The cashier just checked me out.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
Can’t. Being lazy.
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that