When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
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Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
This is painfully accurate 😅
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
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“Oh god wait.”
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
#Caturday
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read