He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
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My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
I’d rather go liquor treating.
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds