Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
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“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic