Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
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rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
Good Morning.
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!