*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
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Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.