You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
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im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳