Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
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“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
Only Americans understand
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this