I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
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starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
(2022)
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
same bro
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.