How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
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My dad is at it again
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
Now, where’s the sport in that?
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.