Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
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“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
What my back needs
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.