I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
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“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free