5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
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Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one