if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
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WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
want me to check your oil?
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.