The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
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Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
I have never heard an armadillo before.
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
It was worth a shot 😂
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids