Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
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Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
Best seat on the street 😍
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
Beware of the dog..