my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
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Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
Can’t. Being lazy.
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Not today
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow