i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
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“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
I have obtained a hat
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
My spirit animal is fried chicken