Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
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I had to Stop for this
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.