It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
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If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
this is so top tier i cant
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.