There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
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Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.