Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
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My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat