them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
You Might Also Like
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
He’s cranky this morning
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over