[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
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I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
No. YOU-buprofen.
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.